


you look better in color

by plutomurphy



Series: murphamy one shots :) [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Betrayal, Blood, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, Fluff and Angst, Hanging, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Murphamy - Freeform, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Past Torture, Psychological Torture, Romantic Soulmates, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sobbing, Soulmates, The 100 (TV) Season 1, Torture, Trust Issues, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:48:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25596802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plutomurphy/pseuds/plutomurphy
Summary: Just then Bellamy Blake put his hand on John Murphy’s shin, ready to kick the bucket from underneath him, and colors bloomed in front of both of their eyes for the first time.-John Murphy lives in a universe where when you first touch your soulmate your world bursts with color. He just never actually thought that he’d have actually a soulmate, someone that could love him unconditionally, like soulmates were supposed to. Afterall, who could learn to love a broken boy like him?
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & John Murphy, Bellamy Blake/John Murphy
Series: murphamy one shots :) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2163405
Comments: 3
Kudos: 94





	you look better in color

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Prettything_uglylie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prettything_uglylie/gifts).



“Mommy, what’s a soulmate?” a young John Murphy asked his mother. 

“When did you hear about soulmates sweetheart?” John’s mother asked him with a soft smile. 

“At school today. They didn’t tell us much though. They said we would learn more once we got older but, I wanna know now!” John said excitedly, “Would you please tell me? Pleaseeeee-”

“-Okay John we’ll tell you,” his father said with a chuckle. 

“Your soulmate is somebody the universe made for you. Somebody you’re destined to be with. Most meet in their teen or young adult years but some meet earlier and some meet later. Just know that your soulmate will come when the time is right.”

“But how will I know when I find my soulmate?” John asked. 

“Well John, have you ever heard of colors?” John nodded. “Right now everything looks black and white to you, and even though it seems impossible, someday you’ll see things differently. When you meet your soulmate and you touch them for the first time, you’ll see things in color. Then one day when someone in the pair of soulmates passes away, the other’s vision will return to black and white.”

“So do you guys see in color then?” John asked his parents with a shy smile.

“Yes. Yes we do,” John’s father said giving his wife a firm kiss on the cheek with a lovestruck look in his eyes. John made a show of gagging at his parents' romance but he was satisfied with their response to his question, closing his eyes and letting sleep overtake him.

-

Just a couple of years later, things had taken a turn for the worse.

After John’s father was floated for stealing medicine to attempt to help his son heal, John's mother’s vision went from vivid to dull, as did her love for her son. 

“Jonathan Murphy get the hell back here!” his mother yelled from where she was standing next to their couch. John was just trying to help her get better so he took her bottles of poison and hid them from her. He wasn’t trying to make her angry. 

“Mom I’m sorry but you need to get better! You need to-”

“-I don’t need to do shit. This is your fucking fault don’t act like I’m the one who needs help. You’re the one who needs fucking help. Killing your own father. What kind of son does that?” she sneered at him with anger in her eyes, an iron grip on her son’s wrist that was sure to leave a bruise. 

“I- I’m sorry. You’re right, I’ll show you where the bottles are,” John said, his hands and voice shaking. 

“Damn right you will."

Several months went by and John eventually learned to stop being afraid, he just let things happen. He'd spent too long getting his expectations high and trying to make a better life for himself for it to all be for nothing. After his mother died in a puddle of her own vomit, all he couldn't seem to feel anything anymore other than angry. "You killed your father John," she had said to him before her head hit the metal floor with a thud. 

Then, when he was taken to the skybox after committing arson and he needed to be identified, they had all called him John. His mother's last words rang out in his head like migraine causing-tinnitus when they said his name, causing him to scream, kick, and punch harder than he had in his long twelve years on the Ark. 

Needless to say, Murphy was not called John after that.

-

After about five years had passed by, and Murphy was hurtling towards the Earth at violent speeds with a bunch of other delinquents sent down from the Ark. Even though Murphy hated most of them, he felt like he finally had a purpose being a part of the 100. Maybe now he could finally make use out of his worthless self.

After reaching the ground Murphy met a boy, or a man rather, by the name of Bellamy Blake. 

Bellamy was a fierce leader who could be a tad selfish at times but he was smart, skilled, and charming, and Murphy was very, very pleased Bellamy had taken him under his wing. 

Bellamy considered Murphy his second, and Murphy was eager to have that title. He finally had a purpose and he meant something to someone. Even though he knew Bellamy probably didn’t care about him, as nobody really did. But Murphy did care about Bellamy, whether he would admit it or not.

Murphy and Bellamy were out practicing throwing knives again, just the two of them. Murphy convinced himself that he was impressed by Bellamy's aim and wanted Bellamy to teach him, but Murphy didn't actually care too much for knife throwing. “C’mon Murphy try again. You’re throwing like this. But you need to throw it like this.” Bellamy was trying to help Murphy hit the tree with his knife after several failed attempts, but funny enough, it seemed as though this was another thing Murphy was useless at. 

“I’m done this is stupid. I wish we had guns,” Murphy said with a pout, taking a seat on a nearby log. Bellamy gave him an amused smile. 

“Don’t be a quitter we have shit we gotta kill outside our wall. We need you hunting for us out there,” Bellamy said to him, trying to be encouraging. 

“I guess,” Murphy mumbled. 

“Hey- I need you out there. With me. You’re my second for a reason y’know.” Bellamy’s statement gave Murphy a small smile, something that hadn’t been on his face for a while so it felt a bit foreign, but Murphy really didn’t mind.

Murphy stood up with a sigh and continued to work on knife throwing. Bellamy had said that he needed him to, so he would.

-

A few days after the acid fog incident, toxic air had dissipated and everyone continued working around camp. Everything was going smoothly and they had gotten quite a lot done. The only problem was that John Murphy’s knife had gone missing, which didn't even seem like a big problem at first. He had been looking around for it all day, assuming he would find it eventually and was about to ask Bellamy if he had seen it, but before he could, Clarke walked up to him, angry, and holding his knife.

He asked her where she had found it but she did not answer him, instead loudly blaming him for the murder of Wells Jaha. Murphy furrowed his eyebrows with a smirk, clearly confused or thinking Clarke was joking. He hadn't killed Wells even though he hated the boy, and swallowed a lump in his throat when he realized that this was definitely not a joke. He looked behind Clarke, noticing the crowd that was forming around him and Clarke, and saw Bellamy standing there. 

“Bellamy, you really believe this crap?” Murphy asked him, expecting Bellamy to have his back like Murphy had his. Bellamy just stared at him and Murphy felt dread settle in his stomach.

Clarke continued to blame him and Murphy continued to defend himself, eyeing the crowd of delinquents nervously. 

“-I don’t have to answer to anyone!” Murphy yelled, throwing up his hands. 

“Come again?” Murphy heard Bellamy say, his arms still firmly crossed in front of his chest.

“Bellamy- look I’m telling you, man I didn’t do this,” Murphy said, looking into Bellamy’s eyes, trying to convey his innocence to his only real friend.

“They found his fingers on the ground with your knife.” Bellamy looked at Murphy, a disappointed look in his eyes.

Clarke continued yelling to the crowd and before Murphy could even take another breath, people were chanting. "FLOAT HIM! FLOAT HIM! FLOAT HIM!" they yelled. Murphy knew he needed to run, but was tripped by the angry crowd before he could escape. Clarke's voice begging to let Murphy go echoed in his aching head as his peers beat him senseless and kicked his body until his bones were bruised and he was soaked with his own blood. Clarke tried to tell Bellamy to take her side, but he wouldn’t listen. 

The crowd began to chant, “BELLAMY! BELLAMY!” and the noise became more and more distant to Murphy. It was almost out of body at this point, knowing he was about to die. Murphy had yet to meet his soulmate and now he never would. At least he didn’t have to be disappointed when he never found one because he was too unlovable to have one anyway, or at least that’s what he thought. 

Bellamy walked up to Murphy’s body, noose already around his neck as the chanting grew louder and louder around him. He looked at Murphy and saw him plead again in a muffled voice behind the gag, “Bellamy I didn’t kill him! Listen to me!” Bellamy didn’t want to kill Murphy. Of course, he didn’t. But he had a job as a leader to his people, and he had to do what was expected of him. 

Just then, Bellamy Blake put his hand on John Murphy’s shin, ready to kick the bucket from underneath him, and colors bloomed in front of both of their eyes for the first time. 

Bellamy was stunned and time seemed to move slowly during his first seconds of life in color. His hands were shaking and his eyes burned looking up at Murphy, conflict eating away at his heart.He took his hand off of Murphy’s leg, still in shock, and he met Murphy’s eyes. They were so full of confusion, fear, and maybe even some relief that Bellamy was his soulmate. Now Bellamy would help Murphy, spare him. As Clarke said, the delinquents would listen to Bellamy. 

But Bellamy couldn’t let love get in his way.

Bellamy shook his head walking back towards Murphy hearing Murphy’s muffled voice behind the gag cry even louder, his voice cracking as he began to sob, “BELLAMY PLEASE! YOU- YOU CAN’T JUST KILL ME NOW! BELLAMY P-PLEASE I’LL DO ANYTHING! BELL-” Murphy was cut off with the sound of his own choking. Bellamy had kicked the bucket from underneath him. 

Murphy continued to struggle, his brain starting to hurt from the lack of oxygen and his vision getting spotty. At least until a young girl fessed up for the murder of Wells Jaha, causing Clarke to cry out and run with an ax to cut Murphy down. 

Murphy didn’t know what to do now. He was so full of rage, sadness, disappointment, not to mention his entire body ached and he was still desperately gasping for oxygen. Murphy had finally found the one person who was supposed to love him unconditionally, and even he didn’t want Murphy. 

Bellamy looked down at his soulmate feeling regret rise in his chest. He’d always liked Murphy and he knew he should’ve believed him but leaders weren’t weak. Bellamy wanted to be a good leader and he needed to protect his people. He did the right thing, or at least that what he tried to tell himself to keep his anxieties at bay. 

After Murphy went after Charlotte in blinding rage, seeking her punishment because of what had been done to him, he came face to face with Bellamy Blake once again. All of a sudden amid their arguing, things took a dark turn, and not the turn Murphy wanted them to take. 

Charlotte jumped from the cliff before any of them could do anything, and Bellamy’s hands were on Murphy again. Hands that should have been hugging him, nurturing him, but they were doing anything but that. Bellamy was screaming and punching him until Murphy’s nose and face started to bleed again. Murphy wanted to cry, but he didn’t have any tears left. Murphy never wanted Charlotte dead; he just wanted justice, but nobody believed him. Nobody ever believed Murphy could be anything less than evil. Even his own damn soulmate. 

“-Bellamy-”

“-Shut up Murphy. For fucks sake I wish you would just shut the hell up,” Bellamy muttered before getting off of Murphy, listening to Clarke’s pleas to get off of him. Shortly after that, Murphy was banished from camp by the people he used to call his friends and his soulmate, who currently hated his guts despite not even doing anything wrong.

Murphy thought he had low self-esteem and self-hatred problems before, but that was until his soulmate attempted to murder him. Nobody in the universe could hate themself as much as John Murphy did then. He just wished for once he could be good enough. 

-

A few weeks later back at camp Bellamy was starting to regret what he had done. In his fit of anger, he had managed to lose one of the most important people in his life, even though it was Murphy, the fact that he was Bellamy’s soulmate was the important part. And now, it was his fault that his soulmate was gone.The only thing Bellamy had to comfort him was his colored vision and how it provided him with the knowledge that Murphy was still alive. God, he hoped he would see Murphy again. 

The fact that he also had not told anyone that Murphy was his soulmate was eating him up inside. He just didn’t want to be judged for doing what he thought was right as a leader. But he knew people would tell him exactly what Bellamy already knew, he was a monster, and he didn’t need other people to confirm that fact. 

“BELLAMY!” he heard Octavia’s voice call to him. He turned around to see the group of people who had gone to investigate sounds outside of the fence running back to the dropship. They were carrying a body that was bloodied and broken. Bellamy wasn't even sure if the person they had was alive.

He entered the dropship along with Clarke and some of the others as they set the body down on one of the metal floors of the drop ship’s interior. Bellamy moved closer, gasping when he realized who was sitting in front of him. 

“Oh my god- Murphy,” Bellamy said, his eyes moving over Murphy’s face and body. 

“What happened to you?” Clarke asked him. 

“Grounders,” Murphy said. His body was shaking violently despite the humid weather that night. 

“He’s telling the truth,” Clarke said after she had bent down to examine his torn off fingernails. “They tore his fingernails off.”

Bellamy nodded, trying to figure out what to do. “He was banished, wasn’t he? Why are we letting him stay? He needs to leave,” Connor’s voice from behind Bellamy said. 

“Look at him. We can’t just leave him out there. It’s murder,” Clarke said. 

“And it wasn’t the first time we did it?” Connor asked. 

“Everybody get out,” Bellamy grunted. Clarke looked at him, confused. 

“I want to interrogate him about the grounders. See if he knows anything from when he was with them,” Bellamy said so that only Clarke could hear. 

“And why should I trust that you won’t hurt him like you did before?” Clarke asked Bellamy quietly. 

“Because he’s my soulmate,” Bellamy muttered. Clarke’s eyes widened and her jaw hung open, looking between Bellamy and Murphy. She then nodded silently and instructed everyone else in the dropship to leave. 

Once they were alone, Bellamy took off his jacket and went to drape it over Murphy’s shoulders. Murphy used one of his torn up arms to push it away. “Murphy c’mon. I had to do what was best for my people-”

“-I thought I was your people,” Murphy said, his voice for once lacking any sarcasm or malice. He just sounded defeated and disappointed. 

“Murphy, I thought that you murdered someone. I couldn’t just automatically believe you because we were soulmates. I needed to do what was best and you-”

“-You should have just trusted me and believed me when I told you I didn’t do it. But you chose to believe Clarke who never had your back by the way. Not once. But I always did. I was always loyal to you.”

“Murphy I-”

“Can you just leave me the hell alone? Or throw me out again like you're inevitably going to? I don’t want your fucking pity.”

Bellamy sighed. “Fine. I’ll be back in the morning with Clarke to have her assess your wounds. Get some rest okay?” 

Murphy nodded silently, finally closing his eyes and resting his head against the cool metal wall behind him. His body was still shaking and he had wished he had taken Bellamy’s jacket, even if he was an asshole. 

-

Murphy also wished a couple of hours later that he hadn’t been left all alone in the dropship. It was dark and the temperature had fallen dramatically. His heart was racing and he felt like he was back at the grounder camp all over again. Murphy’s breathing got shallower and shallower as the shadows around him began to morph and change shape. It was like he was having a nightmare without being asleep. He had been having those a lot before he escaped the camp, and of course the ones when he was sleeping too. 

Murphy violently shoved his hands over his mouth desperate to make sure nobody heard his hyperventilating that began to break into sobs. His eyes darted around violently and he couldn’t figure out if it would calm him more to keep his eyes open to make sure nobody was coming or to close them so he didn’t have to see the shadows looming in the corners of the drop ship’s interior. Tears rolled down Murphy’s bloodied face creating streaks of paleness against red and Murphy found himself backed into a corner, trembling even more violently than before. 

Murphy thought he would feel safer back at camp but he almost felt worse. At least before the 100 couldn’t hurt him but now they could, and the grounders could easily find him again if the 100 gave him away or threw him out. Murphy had nowhere safe to go and he needed to leave before they hurt him even more. Still hyperventilating and shaking Murphy got up and started to limp across camp to the border. Maybe if he escaped and left grounder territory he would finally be safe, because no matter what he wasn’t safe here inside the camp’s walls or not. Everyone hated Murphy and everyone was out to get him. 

“Murphy?” said a tired voice from a tent near one of the camp walls. It was dark and Murphy couldn’t see who the voice came from so his first instinct was to try and walk faster, resulting in his body betraying him and crumpling to the ground. Soon the large shadow was walking towards him and Murphy’s hyperventilating got even worse if that was possible. His lungs would surely burn after this. “Murphy hey- it’s just me. It’s Bellamy. It’s okay,” the voice, Bellamy, tried to tell him, reaching to put his arm on Murphy’s shoulder. But, before he could, Murphy scrambled backward trying to get as far away from Bellamy as possible. Tears were streaming down Murphy’s face and he was still desperately trying to stay quiet despite the many sobs that he wanted to let out. 

Murphy was overcome with blinding fear and paranoia. He couldn’t figure out if he was terrified of Bellamy because he was Bellamy or because he thought he was a grounder or his mother or somebody else but he knew that he needed to get away from whatever was in front of him. He needed to run away and find safety, but his body wouldn’t let him. “Please please get away from me I-I didn’t do anything! Please I won’t- I just- please don’t hurt me- I can’t- I can’t do this- I don’t- I can’t-” Murphy stuttered out still trying to stay quiet and breathe.Soon enough, Murphy had backed himself into another corner, this time outside and trying to get away from Bellamy, not shadows. 

This made Murphy feel even more scared to the point where he started to feel nauseous and dizzy. He was already feeling both of those things from his blood loss, malnutrition, and other grounder torture related issues but now, it has somehow gotten worse. 

“PLEASE I’M SORRY I’LL DO ANYTHING PLEASE DON’T-” Murphy cried. The humiliation switch in his brain had moved far enough over from the embarrassment side to the fear side and so now Murphy was full-on screaming with no hesitation. His screaming had also started to wake up members of the 100 which made Murphy even more nervous. Were they going to punish him now for waking them up? He couldn’t take it anymore; he just wanted everything to stop. He couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t think he was just overcome with fear, sweat, tears, and blood. 

Bellamy took another step towards Murphy during his screaming ramble and then put a hand on Murphy’s bicep, causing the younger boy to flinch violently. As he flinched Murphy also let out an extremely loud, almost animalistic scream that would probably wake up the rest of the delinquents. Nonetheless, all Bellamy felt was guilt and a need to comfort his deeply troubled soulmate. 

Murphy’s voice broke into sobs as he screamed, leaning into Bellamy’s firm grasp on his arm. This was the first time Murphy had been touched physically by anybody that wasn’t trying to hurt him since his father had passed away.

“Hey! What the hell is his problem? Why are we letting him stay here?” said a loud voice, walking up the scene. It was an angry-looking Connor who had clearly been woken up from his slumber by Murphy’s screaming and sobbing. 

“He’s with me. If you have a problem, you take it up with me. Got it?” Bellamy said with a sneer, taking a protective step in front of Murphy. Connor made an annoyed sound and went back to his tent. “Everybody go back to sleep! Everything is fine, I have the situation handled!” Bellamy yelled to the rest of the 100 that had been woken up, Murphy still trembling behind Bellamy, terrified out of his mind. Those awakened groaned at Bellamy but listened to him and went back to their tents, and Bellamy turned his attention back to Murphy. 

“Hey, Murphy- hey look at me. Let’s go back to my tent okay? You can sleep there. It’ll be warmer and safer I promise.” 

Murphy looked at Bellamy with wide eyes, glossy with unshed tears, and nodded, swallowing the lump in his aching throat. He tried to stand but his legs were too tired from his attempt to escape. Bellamy noticed this and went to help him up, causing Murphy to flinch again. “Can I pick you up? Please? I promise I won’t hurt you.” Murphy nodded reluctantly again and let Bellamy slide one arm under his legs and another behind Murphy’s back, carrying him in the bridal position. Murphy tucked his head and shaking hands under Bellamy’s chin, desperate for his warmth and comfort despite still being petrified. 

When they reached Bellamy’s tent, Bellamy laid him down on the bed and moved to take his tattered boots off. “You sleep in my cot and I’ll take the floor okay? Just let me know if you need anything,” Bellamy said moving to lay down on the floor on the opposite side of the tent. Before he could though, Murphy put a fragile hand on his forearm. 

“I still don’t trust you or anything but could you maybe just- I don’t know you- you don’t have to I mean I-”

“-Do you want me to protect you? Sleep next to you?” Bellamy asked him with a soft smile. Murphy nodded, a blush spreading up his neck that he knew Bellamy couldn’t see because of the darkness and blood all over Murphy’s skin. 

“Are you going to hurt me? Or give me away to the grounders?” Murphy asked. Bellamy shook his head. 

“Kicking the bucket from under you and then banishing you was the worst mistake I’ve ever made and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I know that I’ll probably never be able to make up for what I did but I’ve thought about it a lot and I’m going to do everything in my power to help you get better and make things up to you okay? So if you need anything, I’m here.” Murphy stared at him, still confused as to why anyone would want to waste their time making anything up to Murphy. He deserved all the pain he got in life because he was a bad person. Bad people got treated badly, there was no way around it. 

“But why would you want to waste your time doing that for me? You could just throw me out again and get with Clarke instead or something-”

“-Because she isn’t my soulmate. You are. The stars aligned so that we could be together someday and I trust them. I trust you. I know I made horrible, horrible mistakes and if you never forgive me that’s fine but I-” Bellamy was cut off by Murphy throwing his hands around Bellamy’s neck, he was still shaking both with the effort it took him to move into the hug, and fear but he wanted Bellamy to know that he wanted that too. He wanted to forgive Bellamy and for Bellamy to be his soulmate. “Are you ready to go to sleep?” Bellamy asked him after a few minutes, taking his face out of Murphy’s hair. Murphy nodded tiredly and laid down in the cot. Since he was still shaking Bellamy put the blanket over him and moved behind Murphy to wrap his arms over him, trying to get Murphy as warm as possible. Out of nowhere, Murphy started to sob again quietly and Bellamy got up, confused and concerned. “Hey what’s wrong- look at me, Murphy.” 

Murphy turned his body around so he could look up at Bellamy. “I’m just overwhelmed and scared and stuff. I’m okay, it’s just been a while since somebody’s touched me like this. I’m sorry for being weird.”

Bellamy reached up to Murphy's face slowly so the boy wouldn’t flinch to cup Murphy’s cheek and gave him a soft kiss on the forehead. “Well now that you’re back you’re stuck with me so, there’s a lot more touching on the way. If that's okay with you?” 

“I- yeah I think it’ll be hard for a while and stuff. I’ll probably still need space in the morning because I’ll be back to being _Murphy_ but right now I’m just really tired so can we just sleep? I’m sorry in advance if I wake you up with nightmares again I have them every night so I just don’t know if-”

“-Murphy it’s okay. We’ll go as slow as you need me to go. For now, just know that I’m going to protect you with my life. You’re my people now and you always were, you’re my person for fucks sake. It just took losing you for me to realize that and I’ll never be able to convey to you how sorry I am.” 

“I’m sure we can manage,” Murphy mumbled with a smile. He then moved to bury his face in Bellamy’s chest, taking deep breaths that brought Bellamy’s scent to his nose, relaxing him deeper. Bellamy wrapped his hands around his soulmates back, tracing patterns along his broken skin with one hand and massaging his scalp with the other until Murphy’s breathing began to slow. 

With tears of both joy and sorrow in his eyes, Bellamy looked up to the stars through the holes in his tent and said “thank you,” before kissing Murphy’s hair and letting himself fall asleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope i did okay on this one i tried to use my first hand experiences with anxiety and panic attacks to make this seem realistic, i hope u guys enjoy :)


End file.
